Sonic Heroes: Insane Edition
by ChaosEmerald
Summary: When Eggman unveils ANOTHER stupid plan to enslave-kill the entire population of MobiusEarth, Sonic and friends must hold hands to unite against the new metal evil. Rated T for cursing, violence, blatant sexuality, and swearing. ON HOLD.
1. Intro 1: Team Sonic Heroes

Sonic: Hello all. This chapter will detail our initial introduction to Eggman's gamble.

Tails: And how the adventure began.

Knuckles: And why we're talking in sequence?

Sonic: Nope!

Tails: Not until Chapter 49.4!

Knuckles: ...

* * *

In A Random Futuristic Human Metropolis In The Year 2007

Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles were at the diner platform. 10 years had passed since they'd last met for Sonic Adventure 2, ever since SEGA had cloned them for most of the GBA and side-off games. At last, no longer responsible for the supervision of their soon repeatedly dying stunt clones, they had time to spend together. Sets of red chairs, white clothed tables, and a small McNights restaurant stand were grouped together on the massive platform. Sonic, being the fan favorite, happily enjoyed his exquisite dish while the other two grudgingly awaited the waiter to return with their orders...  
Knuckles, enraged over the 10-year old Sonic X fan's incompetence..."stood in" for the waiter. Even with a quicker system of meal delivery, their lunch was about to be disrupted again...

Suddenly, a giant TV screen attached to the smallest, most durable invisible wire in existance descended in front of them. The Eggman ensignia was on the screen with the giant, bolded letters EGGMAN beneath it. Everyone gasped, wondering who could possibly have interrupted their lunch with this undeniably oversized television screen.

Eggman's bushy, orange mustache and distinct red lab coat with multiple zippers and hard to pronounce items lined along it's sides and arms. A pair of bright blue glasses glimmeed with the HD screen's sheer clearness, it was so bright all possible witnesses or bystanders were blinded and their cellphone signals disrupted by the electromagnetic waves disrupting them. The group stared, their giant eyes unaffected by the radiation emitting from the screen.

"Good mor-!"

"WAIT JUST A SECOND!" Sonic jumped out of his seat and onto the table, "It's 4'O Clock, goddammit!"

A giant sweatdrop appeared on the back of Eggman's head, he corrected himself, "Okay...Good evening Sonic Her-"

"WAIT JUST A DAMN SECOND!" Knuckles stood up, taking his seat and smashing it against the metallic platform, "Whadda you mean SONIC HEROES!? IT'S KNUCKLES TO YOU, PAL!"

Eggman scratched the back of his head. _This had sounded so much better in the simulation_...

He coughed, saving face and correcting himself once again. "Okay. Good EVENING. Sonic, TAILS, KNUCKLES. I would like to inform you that I am building a superweapon that will help me conquer the world. This weapon, believe it or not, ISN'T a Death Star rip-off. AND, it will utterly annihilate every single living sentient bei-"

"So it's a Halo ripoff?" Tails lowered his hot cup of tea.

"DAMMIT FOX!" Eggman pinched his forehead.

"Sorry..." apologized Tails.

"As I was SAYING...You won't be able to stop me, so I'm telling you five months before I bring it out of the planning stage, in additon to the six months while it is development. Once I finish it, it will annihilate EVERY single sentient being on this planet except for me! MWAHAHAHA!!!!"

"Umm..."Tails pushed his chair in, "Eggman...?

"WHAT!? WHAT IS IT!? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG WITH THIS GODDAMN BRILLIANT PLAN!!!WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO CRITICIZE YOU MUTANT EXCUSE FOR A FOX!?!?!?!11"

"I'm sorry Doctor...but...that plan is not only highly improbable, it is virtually impossible due to the fact that I have all the Chaos Emeralds stored in the Special Zone, Eggman Nega dosen't exist in the continuinty yet, this a parody so none of your schemes will succeed without completely reversing themselves unto you, and Metal Sonic will most likely malfunction,attempt to betray you , and leave you with no choice but to side with us again...just like Chaos, Gemerl, Shadow, The Ark, and The BioLizard. Also, if you're trying to RULE the world, then how come you're going to destroy it"?

Eggman began to chew his fingernails, _'Damn! How did they know I was going to use Metal Sonic this time!?'_

Tails, Knuckles, and Sonic all held up their own copies of Sonic Heroes. Eggman's hover disengaged itself and promptly tipped on it's axis, tossing Eggman onto the ground. Landing on his ass, he clutched his head in irritation and confusion.

"You see Doctor..."

"Erg...I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! THINK YOU CAN STOP ME!" Eggman unveiled a small handheld radio, "Here is the FIRST in a series of pointless, side missions that will guide you on your way to stopping my mad creation! I have planted approximately 30 radio antennas and 2 music generators in this city. They will play MY theme song, E.G.G.M.A.N! Destroying one generator will save, or rather satanize, one side of the city. Good luck!"

Eggman took off, hopping off the platform and hopefully into a readily prepared hovercar on STANDYBY.

Much to his alleged claim, music began to play:

_The story begins  
With who's gonna WIN,  
Knowin' the danger  
That lies within!_

_Aboard the ARK  
A genius at heart  
Wanting to unlock  
the mysteries of life_

"Oh butternuts..." Sonic's left eye began to twitch.

_I AM THE EGGMAN!_

The words boomed through the city like a rocket, it was as if stereos were moving about the metropolis over projecting the awful, synchronized sound. Tails and Knuckles collapsed at the dreaded theme song that burned holes in their ear sockets, like a drill burrowing into the broad side of your forehead. Sonic covered his ears, his built-up tolerance for such wretched lyrics from SA2 could only aid him so far. _He had to get of there...fast..._

"Screw this." Knuckles struggled to seperate his arms from his ears, but then just began running, "I'm getting out of here!"

"Me too!" Tails followed.

Sonic, head glowing redder and redder, at last, surrendered to his instincts.

"HEY! WAIT UP GUYS!" he screamed, racing out of Metropolis after them.

Little did they know of the obese man, hanging on for dear life on the edge of the platform. _How he could he have forgotten to bring an extra life!?_


	2. Intro 2: Team Unconfirmed

Shadow: DAMMIT!

Rouge: What?

Shadow: Some bastard at SONICTEAM decided we should get the Hard Difficulty!

Rouge: So?

Shadow: We'll NEVER collect all the Chaos Emeralds!

Omega: Priority Alert! Scanners detect: All teams are not required to collect all seven emeralds to achieve true ending.

Shadow: Omega, face it, WE ARE SCREWED.

Rouge: But Shadow-

Shadow: WE'RE SCREWED! -runs off-

* * *

Abandoned Armed Base The Government Never Discovered

A giant boulder mimicked SA2's truck scene, a bat dashed down hallway after hallway and corridor after corridor, struggling to fight the drag her wings were certainly bound to create should they have flapped open. Sliding through a noticeably wide crack in the wall, conviently big enough for an anthromorphic bat to pinch through, the boulder collided with the wall and, ironically, rolled through it. Rouge, exiting the wall, lunged for whatever passage was available. A sense of falling overcame her, and she realized she had lunged into an oddly-placed shaft.  
Leaping down the huge shaft, or gliding with assets bouncing should I say, Rouge the Bat leaned against the nearest wall, wary of possible security cameras Eggman never built. Keying in a short series of codes she was given by the government who never knew Eggman had but deducing otherwise, the door beeped with a "no" response. Frustrated, she thrusted her purple hell into it's base. Like a rock, the door flew forward, crushing the only active robot in the entire base. It squeaked as it's systems went offline, Rouge didn't notice him and casually walked inside. Row after rows of pods lined the interior of the room, all empty.

"After dodging trap after trap, tricking President after President, and the perverted saps that make up the world reknown military government GUN, I'm FINALLY going to obtain Eggman's secret treasure."

_How do you know he even has a treasure_, an ominous voice commented.

"The **Gerald Report** from the ending of Sonic Battle said so."

_No it didn't. I played that game!_

"Just who are you?" Rouge changed the subject.

_Heh heh...it's me Rouge!_

It was the one and only ultimate nemesis of the Sonic series, the incarnation of evil itself, a villain greater than Enerjak, Mammoth Mogul, and A.D.A.M combined, a menace so cunningly deceitful he was more duplicitous than Nack the Weasel, a symbol of pure horror that struck fear in the hearts of fans and love in the hearts of fangirls and young boys, a despicable being who possessed an infinite power so maniacal it brainwashed children worldwide...

"Chris Thorndyke..." Rouge said bitterly, "Just what the hell are you doing here out of the Sonic X continuity?"

A boy with red hair, a red-white t-shirt, and blue jeans appeared from out of the background shadow.

"Well...naturally, with me being immortal through the awesome number of Sonic X viewers, I've taken over as recurring character and, as an added bonus, get to follow you guys around! That and I'm the main villain in all of this author's fics!"

"Wait...what author?" asked Rouge.

_'Shit! That's right! Their memories of him are erased with every fic...!'_ "Er...I mean..."

"You know what? I don't care-" Rouge whipped out a _Beretta_ 9mm handgun, "Just go back to Sonic X where you belong!"

3 bullets spiraled into Chris's chest. The child fell backwards, bleeding, but soon stood up laughing at this minor pain. The treasure hunter's victory was short-lived...it had lasted less than 3.6 seconds.

"That's not right...You're not supposed to get up that fast!" Rouge dropped the Beretta in shock.

Chris wiped the blood from his chin and mouth, grinning and pacing towards Rouge. He raised his arms, slowly trudging towards the bat who backed away in fright.

"Wh...wha..t are you staring at?"

Chris kept moving, his expression went from annoying boy to lecherous zombie. His pupils vanished and the centers of his eyes rolled back, the blood began to soak back through his clothing and into his body. Rouge's entire face went rosy red as she began to realize what the adolescent's attention was trapped on.

"You pervert! Stay away from me!" Rouge yelled, delivering a sharp jumpkick to the boy's forehead. Chris crooked his head around, the sound of bones ricketing around as he pulled his head the right way round' made Rouge shriek.

"You can't resist a God forever..." Chris drooled.

The treasure hunter was now paralyzed, covering her chest vainly. Seconds as Chris's hand connected with her breastplate, a powerful shell knocked him to the ground. Rouge regained control of her body, spotting the huge red hole now opening on Chris's forehead.

"Rouge!"

A black hedgehog, with a white furry mane and red stripes lining his quill appeared from out of the Shadows. Shadow, wielding a custom Colt Python, jumped out.

"Shadow..how..you died!" Rouge cried.

"What are you talking about? And where is the Doctor?"

"Shadow..." Rouge embraced him, holding back tears. Shadow was flabbergasted.

Chris raised an arm in question, "Did I forget to mention that S-"

Shadow pointed his revolver at Chris and fired off a second shot. Rouge released him, picking up her discarded Beretta and holstering it.  
"But how...I shot him three times POINT-BLANK."

Shadow raised his revolver, "That's because handguns suck, baby. Everyone knows that. That's why I upgraded."

A hailmary of bullets showered over the two, Shadow pushed Rouge out of the way and into cover. A robot with dual arm machinegun/ grenade launcher/ flak cannons emerged from the rows of pods in the, it's menacingly red pink eyes scanned the area for the two intruders.

"Stay here." ordered Shadow, loading more rounds into his revolver and jumping upwards. Bullets spat around him meaninglessly, he mumbled under his breath, "Pathetic..."

Shadow, badass he was, leaped from surface to surface as the rampaging robot fired at him. Hitting the robot with a swift Homing Attack, he bounced off it's super-reinforced chassis, and took off a few potshots at the robot. The magnum rounds bounced off meaninglessly, Shadow and the robot dashed at eachother. A figure appeared between them...

"Stop i-AAAAGHHHH!!!!" Rouge screamed as the robot's mass crushed her and Shadow's spiky hair stabbed her.

The bat fell on the ground, blood peeled off her skin like onion skin. Her wings were tattered and her fur was ruffled and torn from Shadow's quills. The hedgehog and the robot stared gravely for a few seconds, the thought of helping her never came to Shadow's mind as he stared blnkly at her.

Shadow and Omega stared at her crumpled form for a few seconds, Shadow gulped and faced the screen.

"The nearest hospital is only-"

"We COULD do that, but then they would have records of us."

"Then let's go some pizza?" Omega offered.

"LET'S GO!" Shadow vanished in a blur of speed. Omega shook in dissapointment, picking up the wounded bat and heading towards the medical wing.


	3. Intro 3: Team Buttercup

**Frustration Venting Time (FVT):** How the - -- - ---- --------- ----- ----- ----- does Fanfiction net NOT allow periods, quotations, or basically ANYTHING in chapter titles!?!?! SERIOUSLY, WTH!?!?!? Excuse me for the next few hours, for I now feel the dire need to kick a newborn puppy.

* * *

Amy: Welcome to the introduction of Team Rose! 

Cream: Yay!

Big: BUNNY -beady eyes-

Cream: Amy?

Amy: What?

Cream: Why is Big looking at me like that? -shudders-

* * *

North Island

A pink hedgehog with a noticeably wide, circular red skirt (...) laid against the comfortable, straw chair that had been made for those in want (or need) of a tan. Her oversized Piko Hammer rested on the boardwalk aside her, a pair of pink shades shielded her eyes from the absent sun's potentially unseen UV rays. A rabbit with a neutral chao clinging onto her left, flap-like ear for dear life dashed (or is it skipped) down the boardwalk.  
Amy grinched. This was the FIFTH TIME Cream had come to her about "oh, the water's trying to eat me" and "the sand is alive!". If it were't for the six minute lapses between each interruption of her tan, she may have just killed the irritating rabbit right there and then.

"Amy!" Cream cried, gasping for breath.

Amy shot up from her position, she screamed at the rabbit, "CREAM!!! IF SO MUCH AS ONE INCH OF MY SKIN IS UNTAN FOR SONIC, I SWEAR I WILL-"

"Look!" Cream smushed a cut-out newspaper clipping in the fuming pink hellion's steaming face.

Amy pulled it from her face, and was silent for a moment as she read the clipping's headline: CHAO-NABBED BY BLUE HEDGEHOG. Usually, Amy's eyes would have gone super-cutesy toon heart like at the site of her alleged "lover". Despite Sonic's "devil may care" attitude towards Amy, Cream, as well as any Sonic fan knew, the hedgehog had NEVER given up her pursuit of him. Through threats, spam, bob-o-graphs, and lawsuits, Amy was "hellbent" on him. To be honest, it could no longer be said whether or not Amy loved him out of emotion or sexual dependancy, either way...you all hopefuly understand the picture we are painting here. Enough said.  
Despite the 98.6 perecent weighing her, Amy's face contracted to something of a Bruce Willis snarl, and then to a near insane smile. But that was all forfeited in favor of positrion rage, Amy's suddenly clawed, spidery fingers ripped, shredded, tore, and utterly resucitated the clipping into thousands of billions of numbers unheard or uninvented yet of pieces. Cream was in utter shock, not noticing the large figure standing behind her.

Amy began to calm, her face showing no sign of anger. Cream fought her body's numbness to speak "...Amy...w-why..did..."

Amy held a finger to her chin, looking at the wasted paper on the boardwalk. There was a questionable emphasis between her words, "What happened?"

Cream shook her head in confusion. "Amy...if you hadn't ripped it up, maybe we could have found a clue to where Mister Sonic is?" she replied innocently.

"What were we talking about again?" Amy was dumbfounded, her 5-minute memory erased

"You said you wanted to go find Mister Sonic." Cream changed subject, "I heard he is visiting C-"

"SONIKKKKKKKUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As if prompted, Amy raced off of the boardwalk, sending both Cream and Big careening into the ocean. A trail of dirt lifted from where she ran, and in under a minute, she was out of site and, effectively, past Stage 1.  
Cream gasped for air as water ran down her long ears and soaked her orange skirt. She searched for Amy, but the pink hedgehog was nowhere to be found. The "big-boned", purple cat emerged from the water like a buoy, turning towards Cream.

"Well Big. This was another well-wasted introductory chapter."

"Cream make Big again, Please?" Big spoke his first, albeit "broken" sentence in the fic.

Cream paddled backwards slightly, "AMY! WAIT UP!" she shouted, leaving a desperate Cheese to fend for himself against the rough, ocean waves.

"Wait sweet bunny!" Big called for her, farting.

A bubble of jet propulsion pushed the anthromorphic cat forward, he too, took off at jet speed as Cheese cried for attention. A gloved hand swooshed him up from the waves, and two beady eyes faced down the small creature. The chao's savior pondered the possibilities for a moment, and then hurled Cheese as far as he could upon remebering that his machines were no longer powered by tiny, defenseless animals.


	4. Intro 4: Team Chaotix

Espio: Hmph.

Charmy: I'm counting on you guys!

Vector: ...

Charmy: What is it Vector!?

Vector: Nothing...

* * *

Somewhere

Vector kicked back in his chair, promptly falling over as his mass overweighed the chair. Espio sat silently, knowing from experience not to warn or mock the crocodile, for as many times as he HAD warned him, Vector simply ignored him. The result was commonly a small, toonish red bulge on his scalp. But now, a portion of his jarred skull was revealed, now covered by a wrapping of bandages and support dressings. It was a wonder how he survived so many near-death experiences, they had only been in one game since-

"ESPIO! VECTOR-" A frying pan collided with the jovial bee's face. Charmy's energetic wings ceased their rapid flapping as he tumbled to the floor, unconscious. Espio silently held up a Japanese copy of _Sonic Heroes_.

"NOT AGAIN you little pest. Now GO OUTSIDE and come BACK in here like a CIVILIZED young apoidea!"

Espio hopped down from his convient ninja wall space (something he was very reluctant in doing as ninjas, even anthromorphic ones, weren't meant for walking or running. Walls were where he belonged) and pointed to Charmy's left hand.

"He seems to be unconscious Vector. But look, there's a letter in his hand." Espio snatched it up in the blink of an eye and handed it to the crocodile before hopping back onto his shelfspace.

"Well what the hell is it?" Vector was bothered already at the strange insignia on it; Sure, the Chaotix were in financial difficulties ever since Mighty left to go work with Insominiac Games on _Going Commando_ as the co-stunt extra. They needed any pay oppurtunity they could find. But all the previous jobs...all had been so basic and utterly trivial. Raking leaves, scaring Chao out of trees, spa jobs.  
He STILL had a phobia of sponges...

Vector pinched open the strange letter, a small device popped out of it and into Vector's hands. Slowly, he peeled open layers of unknown substance and horrid, super-glued tape. Again and again, various stretches of tape and adhesive material fought to detain the contents of the mysterious "package". Vector, finally fed up with the Walmart quality-packaging, bit down furiously with his reptillian dandies. A loud BLAM! shook their abode, and as the smoke cleared, Vector and Espio had been thrown about the room.

Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass alerted them. Espio brandished his generic, oversized shuriken to face their attacker, and ducked as a small object followed the shattering glass and spat around the room like a rubberband.

"YOW!" Vector rolled as the object collided with his head.

Awaiting another projectile, Espio performed a quick series of pointless wall dashes before tucking and rolling next to Vector. He unveiled the object: a small radio with the EGGMAN logo on it. An engine roared as the intruder took off from sight, Espio checked the window for hostiles while Vector scratched his, once again, bleeding scalp. The dressings were scattered and blood soaked across the floor.

"Who's this EGGMAN!?" Vector shouted.

"I don't know," Espio hopped back onto his shelf, only to discover both gravity and chunks of broken wood under him. He scowled, "But he went to one hell of an extreme to tick me off."

Charmy was about to speak, but was knocked unconscious again as a thick, patch of ceiling collapsed on him. Vector blatantly ignored it, turning his attention to the radio. A lisped voice squeaked from it before the battery itself went dead.

"What's going on?" Espio said, cursing his rotten luck and vaguely trying to re-attach his shelf to the surface of the wall.

Vector fumbled with the radio before it's underside finally popped open. Two Energizer batteries were inside, dead and inanimate as ever. The crocodile screamed into the radio for response, but there was nothing but the cold silence that mocked him.

"Batteries must be dead." Vector watched as the battery pair dropped into his gargantuan, gloved hand.

"WalMart?" Espio suggested in a low monotone, dropping the broken shelf in broken spirit.

Vector grumbled, clenching the radio tightly with the burning urge to break something tormenting him. He nodded, grudgingly, and stuffed the radio into his backpack before heading out the door. Espio snapped up packets of potions, elixers, medicines, herbs, shurikens, kunai, and other weaponry in the most likely case of Vector flipping out over WalMart's impossibly low deals.

"Charmy. While we're gone, make sure to eat the foods labeled 'Lunch' and 'Dinner' at the appropriate times. Brush your teeth, bed at NINE O' CLOCK. If I find ONE dessert or sweet out of place, you will be punished. Trust me, I CAN and WILL make it look legal. Oh, and PUT SOME CLOTHES on. We're trying to maintain an M rating here!" Espio commented as he shut the door.

--- **Two Days Later**---

Charmy, after finally managing to lift the ceiling off of him, yelled in pain as the swab rubbed emergency morphine up and down his left arm. Shards of glass, metal, and wood stabbed his arms, legs, chest, and back. Splintered all over him was excess wood chunks and cuts that were painfully removed through a series of incisions and yanks, at least 14 packets of emergency blood had been emptied during the process itself, let alone the injury. His stinger may have been the ONLY part of his body that wasn't horribly injured, although it did seem to have swelled up quite a bit...

The front door flung open, Espio stepped inside with his giant, oversized, now blood-dripping shuriken lurched over his shoulder. Vector walked in as well, two AA batteries in his hands and an equal amount of blood smeared across his teeth and mane. The stench of decay rotted over each of them, Vector collapsed in his chair and began fiddling with the radio while Espio silently began work on his new shelf.

"So-"

"Don't...FUCKING...ask..." Espio turned back to his work, hammering in a nail.


	5. Team Sonic: Seaside Hill

**STAGE ONE:**

**"**_Seaside Hill_**"**

**The Train That Couldn't**

Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles had finally escaped into the country regions of Mobius-Earth, away from the confines of City 17 ... I mean, Random Metropolis. Despite Tail's biplane being locked up in an old barn not too far from their location, Knuckles had vouched for a train ride through the countryside and back to Knothole. The Master Emerald had been pushed from his mind ...

"So then I'm like, KFC is the stuff! What the hell is wrong with you!?" Knuckles recounted his 32X adventure in Robotnik's final base, Tofu Factory, from a few years back.

"KFC is good and all, but White Castle is the king of fast food. All McDonald's kids can bite me!" Sonic said, food spurting from his mouth on every word.

Tails sat, depressed and penniless, in the window seat, caught in the midst of the heated debate that was sure to begin. There were two things he hated: Mindless violence, which ironically followed him where ever he was, and trains.

There were ALWAYS the same tracks. ALWAYS the same primitive technology. ALWAYS the stupid ID scanners, to check for "outlaws" to Robotnik's "rule of Mobius-Earth". And ALWAYS the two fastfood junkies talking with their mouths full with utter disregard for the caring of others. The only difference this time was that Knuckles had spared him the humiliation of curry, one of his favorite spices and the absolute most allergy-inducing substance in the world to a fox.

The slightest WHIFF of curry would send Tails into cardiac arrest, the only presented solution was seating him on top of the train, vulnerable to the numerous trees and low, river-waterfall bridges that the train passed under.

"Tem' be FITTIN' words!"

"It's FIGHTING words you illiterate yankee!" Tails knew, that despite the sophisticated english tone of Sonic's NEW new voice actor, he was no smarter than the occasionally advanced words he assualted Knuckles with.

"No, FITTIN'! FITTIN FOR YER DEATH!"

Sonic shoved his whole White Castle burger into the recesses of his mouth, he curled up into Spin Dash form and, like a tommy gun, the half-consumed pieces spat out at Knuckles who in seconds, was covered in a spitball like hamburger coating.

Sonic curled out, Knuckle snatched him up by his neck and hurled him outside of their cabin car. Cartoon fight sounds shot around the cabin as their battle broke apart their cabin and damaged the walls, soon lowering as Knuckles pulled off a super technique.

"SHORYUKEN!!!!" Knuckles uppercutted Sonic into the next car.

The hedgehog, helpless, swam in the air with arms about and, from the force of the blow, crashed through the reinforced steel ceiling of the onward car (One word: PAIN). Knuckles, content but still not satisfied, charged into the next cabin.

Tails stared emotionlessly at the destruction to their three-star cabin, destroyed by a single poorly animated smoke-cloud fight over fast food ...

Tails scooted over into Sonic's seat, picked up a ketchup-dipped french fry and shrugged.

---

"Ah-choo!" Sonic sneezed, brushing his nose, "The ONLY reason you won is because SOMEBODY thought copying Street Fighter II moves would make the readers laugh!"

Tails interjected, "Sonic, I would be glad that after all of that, you came out with nothing but a bad cold, which is LITERALLY in every way possible scientifically impossible."

Knuckles ventured back into his KFC portions, "Let the baby sneeze and hack. All I know is, with my new SFII attack, I'm ------G UNSTOPPABLE!" he flipped out his cellphone, managing to reach someone in under 3.1 seconds, "Hey Naka, baby, remember that pitched idea for Knuckles Adventure you turned down-?"

The train rocked slightly, most likely from a rusted track.

"Guys...do you ever get the feeling that something REALLY bad is about to happen?" Tails asked, clutching his seat.

Sonic spit out his thermometer, holding in another sneeze. He snatched Tails by his ear, and the fox yelped in extreme pain.

"Tails, remember what I told you about pointing out the blatantly obvious!?" he asked callously.

"OWW!!!NEVER POINT OUT THE BLATANTLY OBVIOUS AFTER A FOURTH PERSON REFERENCE OR THE CONSEQUENCES OF PREVIOUSLY SAID OBVIOUSNESS WILL CAUSE SEVERE REPRUCUSSIONS ON THE SPEAKER AND FRIENDS!?!?!??!" Sonic released the fox's ear.

"Very good. Now sit back and watch the game's levels go by-"

Tails didn't respond, neither did Knuckles. Sonic glanced around, viewing the wreck of the train and their cabin. A nearby waterfall proccessed fresh, renewed water throughout Knothole, water all the way from Seaside Hill. Can you guess where they crashed?

* * *

Next Chapter: The Million Dollar Train


	6. Team Unconfirmed: Randomopolis

**STAGE ONE:**

**"**_Random Metropolis_**"**

**Randomopolis Hospital, Surgery Wing**

"Nurse, penny pincher."

"Penny pincher."

"Nurse, tweezers."

"Tweezers."

"Nurse, napkin. Quickly!"

"Napkin."

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!_

"Yes..."

"DOCTOR! Is...is she dead?"

"Ahhh..."

"DOCTOR!"

---

"Doctor, perhaps I should take care of this operation." Omega pulled the doctor back.

"Ermm...yes." Doctor D. Dage said, pulling up his zipper. He and the nurse stepped outside, while Omega carefully cleaned up the mess and began proper surgery on the unconscious bat.

---

"Now, I wanted to get pizza. But NOO! Omega had to bring to the hospital."

"Okay Shadow. I understand that, but why did you bring her to Randomopolis Hospital? I thought you said Eggman's base had a medical wing."

Shadow crossed his arms, "It did. But the robot said something about needing a proffessional doctor or something to patch her up."

"You realize this hospital has the lowest performance rating in Randomopolis, right? The doctors have ALL been accused by patients of sexual deviancy at one point or another. Dage is one of the Top 10."

"A hospital is a hospital, whether the doctors are old pervs or not. Besides, you guys gave us the cheapest offer." Shadow glanced around, remembering that they were the only non-staff people there, "So if this 'Dage' guy just raped Rouge while performing surgery, shouldn't the police be here right about now?"

The nurse shook her head, "The Randomopolis Police Departments has been caught up in their own work with FBI and SWAT teams to discover the source of that dreadful noise outside. This hospital has ionic noise filters that overtone the song with slightly less annoying elevator music. Even THAT is better than the dribble outside, you should see how many people keep trying to break in here." she pointed at the window.

Shadow glanced outside, the morning sun made things resemble a heat wave. Helicopters scoped the sunny sky racing about and randomly exploding from the high notes of the E.G.G.M.A.N song. Far below the window, Shadow's face bulged as he witnessed the scourge of zombified people lurching around the city streets, driven by a maddening effect of insanity brought on by the song. Shadow stepped back slightly, an exclamation appeared above his head as he put a hand to his chin.

"I know I've seen a _videogame_ like this somewhere but I just can't place it..." he murmured.

The nurse walked towards him and rested a hand on his shoulder, "You know, if you're bored, we could-"

"Look lady." Shadow put a finger to her face, "I just got UNFROZEN from a cryo chamber with my gloves on. Do you KNOW how much that hurts!? I nearly got KILLED by a gayass robot with machine guns for hands, I had to run ALL THE WAY HERE from some forgotten base under the government's radar, I had to ENDURE that awful theme music, and I just heard that my friend involuntarily gave one of your doctors oral. Now after ALL that stress to my day, do you REALLY think I DON'T want to do it behind the soda machine with a girl as curvy and well-endowed as you are!?"

The nurse brought her hands onto her chest, she blushed, "I'm flattered but...I was saying that we could go play _Pokemon Diamond & Pearl_ in the lounge..."

Shadow's face was trapped in a half-stunned, half-dissapointed expression, "By 'Diamond & Pearl' do you mean-?"

A swift hand slapped him. The force of the Nurse's Down B smacked Shadow's percentage up to 170 percent, and as she slapped him across the face again, the red-striped hedgehog tumbled backwards, rocketing out of the glass window like a torpedo with steam trailing from his behind. Shadow hit the pavement, cracking it. Hordes of possessed human-animal citizens surrounded him.

* * *

Next Chapter: When Zombies Attack?


	7. Team Insanity: Car Crash

**STAGE ONE:**

**"**_Random Metropolis_**"**

**Randomopolis  
'No Innuendo'**

Amy, Cream, and Big had ran all the way from Seaside beach and into Amy's garage. From there, they took Amy's pink trackcar from Sonic R. Not what would you imagine, in fact, Amy had been "modding" it since Sonic R's release. The dashboard, seats, padding, and even the design was remodeled in Sonic's image. Cream shuddered, watching as Amy violently drove through traffic jams, her impatience adding to her obssession with Sonic. The bottom tray fell open, and Cream gasped at it's contents.

"Amy?" she said close to a murmur, "How long have you been in love with Mr. Sonic?"

"Cream. That's a stupid question." Amy's teeth had become that of a wolverine's, "I loved Sonic ever since I met him."

Cream held up a photo of Sonic in bed with Sally Acorn, the pink hedgehos'g cut-out face was sloppily superglued on where Sally's head should have been. "Amy...I think you have a problem."

"What do you mean?" said Amy, flying past another hover car. The hover car swerved, spun uncontrollably before crashing into a deadly traffic light, several more explosions followed. Cream's teeth chattered vigorously.

"I mean-...AMY!" She screamed, pointing madly, "LOOK OUT!"

"Huh-WHA!"

_**FSWEERRRVVVAAAARRAA!!**_

Crash.

Light began to drizzle into her eyelids. Cream huffed, belching out the smoke and dust that had drifted into her lungs and ached inside her chest. the orange of her torn, buttoned dress blinded her wearied vision. She swatted away more of the smog clouding around her, and as her eyes came into focus, she gasped at the sight before her.

"About time you woke up Cream!" Amy pouted, hands at her hips. Big was behind her, marveling the technopolitan city around them.

She straightened herself, dusting her dress. It was riddled with holes and gashes, no lesser than Amy's round, red dress which was undeniably totaled. The white rings were all but gone, leaving only ruined scraps of red dangling her legs. Her white gloves were shy, most of the fingers revealed and the rings decorated with cracks and rivets of air running through them. There were ribbons of dried blood across her cheek also, but she didn't appear phased, or even aware of injury.

In fact, the car-crashing Amy Rose was smiling.

"Amy..." she tried to speak, but the corals of air trapped in her throat negated any chance at speech.

Amy snatched her hand, tugging her forward from the wreckage.

Cream gazed over the crash.

It wasn't just a car incident. A crash. Or a pile-up. The whole scene resembled an earthquake, even if was impossible on an energy grid harnessed miles upward in the sky, far above any shifting plates. The entire city was above, the dregs and crack dealers smothered themselves silly below, still using automobiles and what not instead of hovers.

"Amy...did...did we do thi?" her voice was still weak. Amy ignored it.

"Cream, if you'd been awake, you'd have heard the news! There was a train crash in Seaside Hill! And Sonic was seen at the foot of it! We have to..." a sound began to play. Amy dropped to her scraped knees, "AAGGH!"

Cream fainted, the stress of the sound and the crash fatigue left her unconscious. Big, however, did not seem to mind.

"I am...Eggyman...Master..plan...I am Eggyman! I got...the..plan!" he sang. Amy grappled him to the ground by one of his large, furry ears.

"Big...you've got...to stop..that SOUND!!" she pleaded.

"But Amy..." Big rubbed his chin in thought, and grinned, "What if Mr. Sonic's here too? He might be in tr-"

"SONIC!!:o!!"

Amy shot up determinedly, snatching Big and Cream's hand. Her pupils vanished. No force in the world, no matter how big or small, would stop her now, Big knew. The pink fur he'd seen coating the happy hedgehog each day scorched with anger, her quills sharped to the extent of razors, her dress began flapped as an invisible aura shot from her body, and although it was unexplainable, her red headband combusted into ashes that flew off her head immediately.

"_Ammmmmyyyy_!!" Big cried, to no avail. The hedgehog-gone-hellion turned, her teeth sang with a carnivorous sheen, and all sanity or reason drained from Amy's face. Fire twirled around them. the trio began moving at a normal running speed, then without warning, the fire crooked in a rocket shape, freeing them to speed away at an insane speed.

With Amy out of control and with them speeding across an energy pipeline highway, Big finally fainted.

* * *

Next Chapter: When Zombies Attack?


End file.
